Chapter 13

"It makes me hotter and hornier than ever-not jealous-for Her to get as much as any nymph can get, and for me to get it when She says I can." (cuckold hubby)

Jealously has been called the "dangerous passion." It implies a fear of losing a partner to a rival. In a book by that name, "The Dangerous Passion, Why Jealousy is as Necessary as Love and Sex," psychologist David Buss explains that jealousy and love go together. If one partner loves another, then it is natural for that partner to get jealous if the other strays. It reinforces the commitment and often fans the flames of sexual passion. Some couples report that they have their most intense and passionate sex after experiencing jealousy. According to Buss, "Men and women experience these emotions when jealous: pain, distress, self-blame, oppression, anxiety, loss, sadness, apprehension anger, restless distress, agitation, fear, depression, betrayal, shame, humiliation, sexual arousal toward partner."

It is the later "sexual arousal toward partner" that plays a powerful role for a cuckold. Some women instinctively know this and may evoke jealousy in their hubby to test the strength of their relationship or to ignite sexual passion. She might flirt openly with other men, smile at them, dress in sexy outfits, or dance close and seductively with them while their hubby watches. She feels more desirable, more attractive, more empowered, and Her self-esteem goes way up. She sends a message to hubby that he had better pay attention to Her and give Her what She wants and needs; otherwise he may lose Her to another man.

Again, according to Buss, "Women proved twice as likely as men to elicit jealousy from their partners (smiling, flirting, showing overt interest in other men). They do this to inspire greater commitment and increased closeness on the part of their partner. By eliciting jealousy women convey a vital message to their partners: Others are interested in me; I'm highly desirable, don't take me for granted."

This was confirmed in a recent survey of cuckolding wives who indicated that even though they loved their husbands, they understood his need for humiliation, and over 70% of them said that they "flirt, dance, kiss" other men in front of their hubby.

One wife makes a point to cuckold Her husband with men that She is very attracted to and wants to have sex with and whom She knows will make Her husband very jealous saying, "What fun is there in cuckolding your husband with a man he would approve of?" She likes having Her husband feel threatened because "he triples his efforts in serving me." For that reason, She chooses younger, sexier, more muscular, better-hung men that Her husband. As She says, "If you are going to cuckold your husband, why do it with a man with a puny cock? Do it with a stud with a stud's cock. Do it with a man you want to fuck."

A woman feels sexually empowered when She feels free of the threat of violent rage from a jealous husband. A naturally submissive cuckold hubby-rather than flying into a violent rage-will show his love and commitment to his wife by intensifying his service to Her as well as his sexual passion. He may be willing to do almost anything She asks, even becoming Her submissive slave or domestic servant, if that's what it takes to keep Her. One cuckold observed: "I think there are a lot of women out there who would agree that their husbands need to do a little extra for their wives if they are incapable of satisfying them in bed."

Buss's studies agree, saying, "Love carries the promise of commitment over the long haul. When faced with signals of a partner's defection, we found that both sexes, but especially men, redouble their displays of love and affection." He found that "men who are successful in keeping their partners often step up their displays of love when threatened with a partner defection. Only emotionally close couples that plan to stay together express their mate retention tactics through love." One study showed that men were more likely than women to increase their display of resources when feeling threatened with a mate's possible defection. Men report buying their partners gifts, flowers, and jewelry, and taking them out to expensive restaurants.

Buss points out that sometimes when there is a mismatch between partners in terms of perceived desirability, jealousy sometimes heightens the recognition of the undesirability of the jealous partner and the desirability of the other. He says, "Women who perceived themselves as higher in mate value than their partners were more likely to express a desire for extramarital sex and were more likely to act on those desires."

Sometimes, however, the less desirable partner may suppress their jealousy in order to not draw attention to their own undesirability. Buss further says that the partner who feels less desirable also tends to be the one who becomes the most involved in the relationship to make up for it. Some cuckold hubbies who feel sexual or other inadequacies may suppress their jealousy and intensify their loving involvement in order to demonstrate their desirability as husbands in other ways. The less desirable partner-the man in the cuckold relationship-tends to tolerate infidelity by the more desirable partner-his wife.

The actions judged to be the most effective were: "I told Her that I loved Her; I went out of my way to be kind, nice, and caring; I complimented Her on Her appearance; I was helpful when She really needed it; I displayed greater affection for Her."

Studies also show that men and women differ in what makes them most jealous. For men, dominant rivals-rather than attractiveness-evoked more jealousy than non-dominant rivals. For women, the results were reversed; the physical attractiveness of the rival had a huge impact. Since dominant males are not constantly looking over their shoulder, they are able to be more relaxed, more in control, and as a result, are more likely to generate more orgasms in a woman. According to David Barash and Judith Lipton (The Myth of Monogomy), "Dominant males are typically less rushed and more deliberate about sexual intercourse, whereas social subordinates tend to be harried and thus hurried."

Men are also most jealous when their wives have a sexual relationship. Women, on the other hand, are more jealous when their husbands have an emotional relationship. The first question a man asks if he suspects infidelity is "Did you sleep with him?" and the first question women ask is "Do you love Her?" Men are thus more concerned about sexual infidelity and women about emotional infidelity. Some women will even forgive their husbands sexual infidelity as long as he really didn't love his affair partner.

A cuckold relationship seems almost purposefully designed to maximize a husband's jealousy while minimizing his wife's. His attractive, more sexually desirable wife is having uninhibited sex with dominant "Real Men", while he remains totally faithful and lovingly devoted to Her. The happy cuckold sequence may go much like the following:

1. The husband loves his wife but feels inadequate to fully satisfy Her sexually. Maybe he thinks his penis is too small, or that he is not a good Lover, or he is undesirable in some other way, or She is insatiable and he wants Her to enjoy herself more.
2. He talks Her into flirting and taking a Lover, or it is a mutual decision based on Her also acknowledging that something is missing. (In some cases, She takes the Bull by the horns so to speak).
3. She may be hesitant at first, not believing that this is what Her hubby really wants, but is finally persuaded to be sexually unfaithful (with Her husband's consent and even participation) with a dominant attractive man who is a mind-blowing Lover, while Her husband remains loving and faithful. This maximizes the husband's jealousy potential (and maybe also highlights his sexual undesirability compared to hers), while empowering Her and making her feel beautiful and more alive.
4. The cuckold husband is sexually aroused (by the adaptive response of sperm competition), and he suppresses his jealousy and channels it into an increased involvement in the relationship-more love and submissiveness-which serves to increase his domestic and paternal desirability and value as a husband to his more sexually desirable wife.
5. The sexual turn-on is maximized for both. She gets hot sex and powerful orgasms when She wants plus more attention-not just from Her Lover(s), but from hubby too. She feels empowered, safe, turned on, and sexually desirable. Her hubby also feels more desirable and more loving as a husband, less inadequate, and is turned on through voyeuristic sharing in Her excitement. To some extent, the pressure to sexually perform has transferred from the husband to the Lover, but the husband is performing for his wife in other ways that demonstrate his love for Her.
6. The husband acknowledges the sexual superiority of Her Lover and his subservience to both of them by licking up Her Lover's cum from his wife's pussy, and perhaps from Her Lover's cock as well. Sometimes, he may be allowed the privilege of "sloppy seconds". If hubby has a naturally submissive nature he may become subservient to both his wife and Her Lover, serving drinks, performing chores, etc.

As one happy cuckold put it: "Sure there is a bit of jealousy in it-there has to be. Thing is, that's the rush. To watch the girl I love in the arms of a stronger man than I. To know that She is HIS in that moment. To see him grin at my being such a wimp-that he has TAKEN my Lover from me. To feel less of a man. To have to take him in my mouth as I watch the two of them kiss. To have to drop to my knees and clean Her after he is done with Her. To have to serve him-alone and in front of Her, it's my place. It's the rush of being a cuckold."

If Her Lover is attractive, interesting, a good provider, as well as a thrilling sex partner, then She may very well fall in love with him. This is not an unreasonable fear, since exciting sex with an attractive passionate Lover sometimes causes hormones to flow in a woman (e.g., oxytocin), that binds Her to him, making Her feel tenderness and love for him and bring Her, and him also, to an explosive baby-making orgasm. The hormone vasopressin has a similar effect on men. These hormones work to make them want to have a child together.

Some women say they are capable of loving more than one man, (and there is evidence that this was important for offspring survival during the Pleistocene), but the dictates of society are against it. According to Barash and Lipton, "The evidence is overwhelming that many people are capable of not only "making love to," but also of loving more than one person at the same time. But we are socially prohibited from doing either."

A cuckold hubby would do well to show his wife-through his actions and deeds-the depth of his love and caring for Her. He should be there for Her, be more romantic, massage Her, buy Her gifts, cook for Her, do chores for Her, and see that Her sexual needs are well taken care of, even it is in combination with, or wholly by, Her Lover(s).

Jealously, if present, should only serve to intensify his love for Her and his demonstration of caring should intensify Her love for him.

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From the polls:

CUCKOLDS: DO YOU FEEL JEALOUS AFTER SEEING YOUR WIFE ENJOYING OTHER GUYS FUCKING HER MORE THAN YOU?

WIVES: DO YOU EVER START FALLING FOR YOUR LOVER(S)?

CUCKOLDS: HOW WOULD YOU FEEL IF YOUR WIFE CUCKOLDED YOU WITH YOUR RIVAL, YOUR ENEMY, OR SOMEONE YOU DETEST?

WIVES: DO YOU STILL LOVE YOUR CUCKOLD HUSBAND?

Next time: "There's No Turning Back"